Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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