So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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