I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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