You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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