I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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