i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize