Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
