when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize