Already got asked if we're dating
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
