i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
