I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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