i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you never un-have a 4some
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
