marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
