I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
