My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
