Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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