My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
