There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
areolas are like halos for boobs.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
