our cab driver is having phone sex.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
