If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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