This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
