***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize