Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
