WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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