my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
