I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
