It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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