I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
