Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
