that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
