Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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