Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
