just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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