I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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