I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize