two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
