barbara walters just said penis...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
