she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
