I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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