A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
