K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
