I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
