..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
