I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
