I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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