the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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