just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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