If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
