Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
