hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
