Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
