I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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