whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just invented taco cereal.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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