I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
