I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
