either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
