I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
