remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize