Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
