I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
