If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
